Why Life

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I ended up eating and then i ate way too much

I dont even know why i ate. I wasnt hungry or dizzy. I mean ive been cold but who knows if thats from not eating or just the school is fucking freezing.
But yeah

Filed under like an actual bingge which i do a lit lot literally so much food a slice of pizza 2 cinammon sticks a bunch of chips 2 protein bars a diet soda a mug of tea a bottle of green tea also i put almond extract in the tea and its like at least 30% alcohol so that too and idk just a bunch of shit all within 3 hrs after not eating for 48 food food tw tw food

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I’m pretty sure I slipped back into depression today. Id been pretty good all summer, a little anxiety here or there, but overall ok. But now I know I’m back into the depression I was in freshman year. Except I don’t even want anyone to care this time like I did then. I also don’t want to self harm. I just feel empty and want to not exist.

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at least i stopped self harming, thats good, right? even if i didnt want to and sitll think i’ll prbly start again once im back in school

Filed under but hey its smthn

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So I’m at a theatre thing and realising I don’t belong here like at all. I have no one really to talk to and only kylie knows me very much at all. I just want to be swimming right now, not sitting somewhere on the verge of crying

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I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just feel so uncomfortable and empty all the time and don’t know what to do about it. I want to swim a lot, but whenever I do it’s still not enough. All I want to do is breathe in the water and stop trying to live.

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I’m so frustrated w my mother. Last night she saw the top of my leg and noticed the scars. When she told me to show her I said no, and kept saying no. Eventually I said that I said no and that should be the end of it and she said well then that’s the end of other things.

Today it seemed like shed mostly forgotten or forgiven it. But when I mentioned going to Kerby with my friends (which my father had alrdy approved), she said I wasn’t going anywhere bc I “wasn’t trustworthy” bc I wouldn’t show her my leg.

I wouldn’t even care that much but
We’ve just been fighting a lot more recently and I’m constantly on edge. Plus last night I had a really emotional talk w my friend, and it seemed really good, but I soon as it was over I ended up crying and self harming again.

Idk. I’m not even very stressed anymore bc schools basically over
It’s just

I hate my fights w my mother and the fact that we’re so different and can never get along and that she loves my sister more and doesn’t even try to hide it bc my sis is better and she is the daughter my mother wanted anyway

Filed under idk I just wanted to see my fiends and hang out not be stressed about my mother I rly wanna go sleep and cry in my room but I'm gonna work on physics instead to get on her good side not that that will last long but

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I really just want to be in the middle of the ocean right now, being drowned by a mermaid and slipping into deeper and deeper water. Yeah.

Filed under drowning