I’m pretty sure I slipped back into depression today. Id been pretty good all summer, a little anxiety here or there, but overall ok. But now I know I’m back into the depression I was in freshman year. Except I don’t even want anyone to care this time like I did then. I also don’t want to self harm. I just feel empty and want to not exist.
So i had stopped self harming.but then I listened to a song and found out it was my newest trigger and relapsed (though idk if it’s really relapsing if I’d never tried to stop in the first place and planned to start up again anyway but)
at least i stopped self harming, thats good, right? even if i didnt want to and sitll think i’ll prbly start again once im back in school
maybe i’ll just have pie today and not eat tomorrow? idk bc i wont be swimming anymore for awhile, which means no exercise. idk what i’lldo. but i think i might do that, that way it kinda balances out
I dont eat a ton but whenever i do i hate it?? i mean sometimes i explicitly avoid eating and other times i just honestly dont want food or am not hungry??
I really want to see how many people would notice or care if I stopped interacting with anyone.
6 Oreos w almond mink at 10:30 probably isn’t the best first meal of the day but.
So I’m at a theatre thing and realising I don’t belong here like at all. I have no one really to talk to and only kylie knows me very much at all. I just want to be swimming right now, not sitting somewhere on the verge of crying
I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just feel so uncomfortable and empty all the time and don’t know what to do about it. I want to swim a lot, but whenever I do it’s still not enough. All I want to do is breathe in the water and stop trying to live.
I’m so frustrated w my mother. Last night she saw the top of my leg and noticed the scars. When she told me to show her I said no, and kept saying no. Eventually I said that I said no and that should be the end of it and she said well then that’s the end of other things.
Today it seemed like shed mostly forgotten or forgiven it. But when I mentioned going to Kerby with my friends (which my father had alrdy approved), she said I wasn’t going anywhere bc I “wasn’t trustworthy” bc I wouldn’t show her my leg.
I wouldn’t even care that much but
We’ve just been fighting a lot more recently and I’m constantly on edge. Plus last night I had a really emotional talk w my friend, and it seemed really good, but I soon as it was over I ended up crying and self harming again.
Idk. I’m not even very stressed anymore bc schools basically over
I hate my fights w my mother and the fact that we’re so different and can never get along and that she loves my sister more and doesn’t even try to hide it bc my sis is better and she is the daughter my mother wanted anyway
I actually hate myself so much like wow
I’m trash and can’t do anything
I really just want to be in the middle of the ocean right now, being drowned by a mermaid and slipping into deeper and deeper water. Yeah.
It’s weird how I make sure shay eats and care a bunch about all
My friends but can’t do that for myself ever and don’t even want to.
I only have 2 crushes but it feels like a lot. Idk. I just really care about both of them and I think they probably realise this but. I mean it’s not like anything is actually gonna come of it but.