ugh, i still really like the ppl i liked last yr, and need to stop liking them bc i can’t date either of them and they will never like me back anyway, i just annoy them all the time.
in fact i just annoy everyone all the time
i should just stop talking to anyone, at all. ever,
wow so okay
last night while trick or treating i was really dissociated (disassociated? fuck it idc) and i really couldn’t even barely walk but i just tried not to really let anyone know. but yeah.
also, I’ve been a lot more stressed lately bc i haven’t been cutting at all, but thats just bc i lost all my blades oops. anyway, yeah.
i’m so fucking tired of everything. especially school. I cant stand the homework and it really stresses me and im so close to an anxiety attack rn and all i want to do is cry and cut and sleep, but i can’t do any of it bc i fucking have to finish my homework and i rly just.
i want to just give up but i also don’t want to bc i dont want to be a failure even though i pretty much already am
i really just hate my life a lot
So most of my friends know about myself harm and other stuff, but they just kinda accept it. Like I think it’s cause they understand and don’t want to invade my privacy or something, I’m not really sure. All I know is, it almost feels like no one does know or care, bc no one tells me not to cut or that I need to eat or anything anymore and you know, I kinda wish they did. I mean, yeah it might be annoying eventually, but it would show they actually cared and weren’t just like, “ok w/e” like they care a little but don’t actually worry about it or they’ve just given up bc I’ve told them I don’t want to stop? Like its prbly dumb cuz I did say I wouldn’t stop and I can’t be convinced to, so theres no point in them arguing about it, but I still sometimes wish they did.
having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. it’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, and it’s wanting friends while hating socializing. it’s like running a marathon with the willpower of a corpse because you want to get to the end but you also want to sleep and evaporate into the soil and become compost for snails and flowers because then at least you’re useful
So I’ve officially given up on not cutting my arms for dance. I’m just gonna hide them i guess. And i’ve decided that tonight i’m not doing any hmwk cuz i can’t focus or be motivated enough, so yeah.
I feel like a lot of my friends are still worse than me but sometimes i still wish they’d care more when i try to let them glimpse how i feel, instead of just ignoring it. Like i know they notice, they even understand, but sometimes i just wish they’d actually confront me about it. LIke show that they really wish i would not hurt myself or something. But they never do.
And i mean, it prbly wouldn’t even make htat much difference, like i still would cut and everything, but maybe i’d try just a little harder not to?
idk. plus i see people complain and i realise that i really don’t have anything worth complaining about, jsut stupid shitty reasons to be unhappy. Plus i’m still reallly weak, like i can’t cut very deep and i still can’t make myself throw up, though i’ve tried a lot. and idk, i just really want to stop careing but can’t, and maybe thats bc i feel like no one else does so i have to??? idk im just a piece of shit i guess
and i see my freinds complain and want to help them and sometimes try, but i barely succeed and tonight if i stay on the computer any longer than it takes to publish this, i’ll never get my hmwk done
Ugh i’m so apathetic right now like i don’t care but i also do. I dont want to do apush but if i dont i’ll fail and then i can’t do intersections or childrens and cries.
I don’t even know why i still try in school. like i dont even have a future plan, and thats ignoring the fact that the likelihood that i’ll even live past college is dropping daily.
I know what i like learning, but all the jobs associated with htose things i’d either htate or be bad at.
So yeah, thats my life. I think a lot of my stress recently has been from me avoiding sh, not to stop, but just cuz its more effort than i care to put into anything.